Saturday, February 1, 2014
It starts with crossroads and escalates from there. For me I've started to recognize what triggers my depression. When most people come to a major fork in the road they choose a direction. I tend to cling on to one route while knowing that I will be dragged down the other. The stress accumulates and I break down. Everything is hopeless. Even though I recognize the onset it doesn't seem to stop it when happens. It just makes me more aware of it happening.
I spend more time in my room crying and writing. I write my thoughts, trying to clear them out of my head. When I come out my husband pushes a bit to see if I'm okay, but I smile and say I'm fine. My family knows that I struggle. They know I have problems, but they would rather look the other way and pretend I'm find. They seem to think that if they harass me enough with "what is wrong" and "what can we do" that I will eventually fix myself and go back to being fine. I wont. There is no magical fix. i know. The first time I thought of suicide was in high school 17 years ago. I don't know what got me through. My family would yell at me and my friends would tell me I'm seeking attention. It's a pattern I repeat with the people in my life today. How I got this far I don't know. I just seem to be able to put a bandaid on it. It works for a bit. Sometimes a few weeks. Sometimes a few months, but it always comes off and when it does I know by the look on my families face. It's the one that says "oh crap not this shit again."
These days my temper is short.
I'm tired all the time.
I want to cry.
I have no courage to get the actual help I need.
I just want to be alone.
I feel like a failure.
There is no one to talk to about this so I turn here.
I feel the bandage coming off.